James-Speaks

Some tips for our leader

There are four things you need to worry about. They are, in order of decreasing eventual impact:
1) Global Warming
2) All of the Wars.
3) H5N1
4) The Dollar.

In order of immediacy, they are:

1) The Dollar.

Dude, give up Iran. All they need to do is fiddle around with exports and the dollar is kaputnik.

Clue: when the dollar goes kaputnik, you will go kaputnik because no one will be able to buy food and we will all blame you.

A Humble Suggestion: Land on an aircraft carrier and declare Victory Over Iran. If Israel complains, bomb them instead.

2) All of the Wars

Dude, you're losing in Iraq. Some day soon Ali Sistani will tell you to withdraw troops and you will because if you don't, then Shii from Lebanon through Iraq (includes Jordan and Saudi Arabia) will bring down the House of Saud and there will be no oil for a few months. Without oil, the dollar goes kaputnik. (See item 1 above)

Clue: Do not listen to the sloppy talk about how violent Muslims are. Given the ongoing provocation a la Rumsfeldian idiocy, they are still much less warlike than, say, the families of Bush and Cheney. Imagine the helplessness you would feel if they all behaved as belligerantly as Ann Coulter or as stupidly as Jonah Goldberg.

In My Humble Opinion: Invade Indonesia (see H5N1 below)

3)H5N1

Dude, H5N1 stands for Hemagluttenin type 5, oh what the hell, you're probably going to mispronounce H5N1. It's the bird flu, dude, and it could mutate some more into a form which thrives at lower temperatures (37 degrees Celsius - 98.6 F) rather than 41C which is a bird's temp, it could pick up the alpha2,6 receptor protein making it more likely to thrive in the human throat where coughs and sneezes would spread it, and it could have that nasty PB2 E627K sequence which accounts for neurological (nurligical for you) and organ damage and high fatality rates.

Dude, it means (putting your arm on the lecturn and leaning forward) a whole lot of people are going to get sick and die.

Clue: A whole lot means upwards of 3/4 of everyone who catches it, meaning 2/3 of everyone on the planet. That's half the planet, that's half of six billion (billon) people. That's 3 with nine zeros. Get Condi to write a three on your left thumb and zeros on the remaining digits.

My Humble Suggestion: Tell Americans that we should stock up on surgical masks now, canned food now and ascorbate now. That way the production lines for those products will be able to produce enough. Surgical masks will not stop the virus, but if enough people wore them, the overall effect would be significant. It is as if enough people had voted against you in Florida in 2000. Oh wait, enough people did vote against you, but you weren 't paying attention.

MHS#2: Invade Indonesia and declare War on H5N1. Send Rumsfeld, Cheney, Wolfowitz, Libby, Ledeen and Feith to investigate.

4) Global Warming

Dude: Gore was right. You were wrong.

Clue: The problem today is not how to stop it, but how to adapt quickly to rapid changes in the near future.

Here's a laugh for you: Big glaciers move, and when there is enough melt water under them, they can and will move rapidly, as in sliding off the mountain and into the ocean within a few years time.

My Humble Opinion: Sink the Bush family fortunes into land in Louisiana, South Florida and coastal Texas, Carolinas and, of course, the Bahamas.

posted by James-Speaks  # 12:26 PM