James-Speaks

The high crimes of George Herbert Walker Bush
1) "Read my lips...."
2) George Walker Bush

The high crimes of George Walker Bush
1) Diddling around with aircraft carriers and books about farm animals while Rome burns.
(Help for the metaphorically challenged)

2) A sad guitar-man impersonation while New Orleans drowned.

3) Promising to put a man on the moon.

• It has been done.
• He could have gone himself. That's right - the First President on the Moon.

4) Believing anything Douglas "Let's attack Paraguay" Feith said.

5) Believing anything Paul "I'll do for finance what I did for the military" Wolfowitz said.

6) Not listening to Cindy "My son gave his life for your idiotic war" Sheehan.

7) Oh yes. For screwing everything up while the greatest threat warm blooded animals have faced in over two hundred million years burns its way through Indonesia. I'm talking about H5N1, the killer flu Steve King wrote about in "The Stand." This disease will so thoroughly devastate existing ecosystems that, combined with the species limiting effects of Global Warming, our planet's carrying capacity will suffer sustained degradation. All this while the chimp meditates on whether to use the rake or the hoe at his dude ranch.


As a public service, I'll try to make it easy for W's handlers.

Some tips for managing the "Presidency"

1. Tell him it's a secret mission against KAOS, and mixing stories here, that "Blofield" will be there, but that it is a secret mission, so he will be gone for weeks and weeks and weeks. Get that guy from Leno to appear at photo ops

2. Prepare a movie about the endangered Hawaiian Island off the coast of Louisiana. Have him declare NO a fish sanctuary. Pay everyone in NO $100,000 to move about a hundred miles upstream. Do the math, 500,000 souls x $100,000 equals about four days of the Iraq war.

3. Speaking of Iraq, buy a water purification set and a generator set for every family there. Do the math, 18,000,000 souls (please do not tell Jonah Goldberg that I said Iraqi people have souls, it would upset his world view) / five souls per household x $20,000 equals $72 billion. Not chump change but way less expensive than staying plus it would get us out with "victory."

4. Convince him that surgical masks (the new type made of polymer with 0.27 micron pore size) prevent abortions. Figure $10 per package x 300,000,000 Merkins = a mere $3 billion. Chump change. Let Halliburton handle the distribution: $100 per package. Or better, let Halliburton skim $90 per package and have Fedex distribute.

Just a few ideas.....

Rome is a metaphor for a) NY, NY, specifically the World Trade Center, and b) the world in general. As in Global Warming. You see, Bush diddles while GWOT - that's Global Warming, Ominous Threat - manifests itself through drought, category five hurricanes and melting glaciers

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